Winning By a Head: Olympics to Ban Viagra?
By HARDY JOHNSON

Huge Cock

"We've never had a situation like this before," said Olympic arbitrator Leon
Furbish. "Races have been won by a nose before, but never by a cock."

In video of the race, a prominent protrusion from Yurkov's shorts can be
seen breaking the waist-high ribbon at the finish line, as French silver
medalist Pierre Pettit appears to match Yurkov stride for stride.

Russian officials maintain that Yurkov earned his medal fair and square, and
deny any hanky panky. "Ivando was just excited to be competing in an Olympic
event," said Russian track coach Hugo Balsakski. "There is no rule against
having a hard-on during the Games." Besides, the Russians contend, even if
Yurkov had taken Viagra, the drug is not on the Olympic list of banned
substances.
"I guess Viagra could be considered a 'performance enhancing' drug in one sense and could be said to increase stamina," says sports medicine expert Dr. Harry Palmer. "But that's not really what the Olympics had in mind when they made up the list of banned drugs."

"Those sissy French are just jealous that Russian men are so virile and well-endowed," added Balsakski. "Have you ever seen the French athletes in the locker room? They are hung like, how do you say...escargots. Russian women have bigger dicks than the French."

Yurkov could not be reached for comment. He is recovering from exhaustion and injuries sustained after being mobbed by dozens of female fans after the race.

Viagra Pants Hide the Bone

By HARDY JOHNSON

SAN FRANCISCO — Levi Strauss has announced a new line of pants to be introduced under its Dockers brand of sportswear. "Dockers Viagra" are intended to meet what the company has identified as a "growing need" among men.

"We did extensive research with focus groups," said company spokeswoman Julene Atkinson, "And after asking thousands of men to help us design the ideal pair of pants, we found that one of the most commonly requested features was the ability to conceal a state of male arousal."

Atkinson attributed this in part to an increase in usage of the drug Viagra. "Many men told us that after taking the drug and engaging in intercourse, they still have erect penises, even after achieving orgasm. That can make it difficult for them to get dressed and go about their business."

Viagra user and Dockers product tester Sam Wygen confirms this. "After using Viagra the night before, my morning hard-ons would last until lunchtime. Just try giving a presentation to the whole marketing department while you're pitching a tent in your shorts."

With that dilemma in mind, Dockers created trousers with a specially constructed pouch and reinforced panel to contain the erect member. "The panel is made of a firm but stretchy material, which 'gives' while restraining the erect penis. In addition, the pleated design creates a roomier front to conceal the bulge, creating a smoother profile, while the pleats draw the eye away from the erection itself."

For its Dockers Viagra, the company also employed an exclusive microfiber fabric with a patented finish. "The material's fibers absorb light in such a way that they minimize the distortions in the fabric caused by the wearer's stiff dick, creating an optical illusion in which the onlooker simply sees a flat surface."

"They work amazingly well, and they're comfortable, too," said tester Don Irvington, who experienced problems with prolonged post-Viagra erections. "I'm able to walk around in public with full-on boner and no one even notices," he said. "In fact, I have a hard-on right now. No more lame excuses and calling in 'sick' when I can't get my schlong down."

Levi Strauss plans to make Dockers Viagra trousers available at a retail price of $49.99, in traditional and relaxed cuts. As for the proportions of the pants, Atkinson says that the line was originally designed for men of average size, but the company plans to release a supersized line that will "accommodate men of more generous endowments.